Saturday, May 30, 2009

Reasons Why Having Crazy Neighbors Is Annoying.

A list of why having North Korea as a neighbor really is annoying.

Number 10: Hearing the Looney Tunes theme drifting over the air every time you head near the DMZ.

Number 9: Outright devotion to the memory of Kim Il Sung. The follow quote is from the state biography of Kim Jong Il:

"Comrade Kim Il Sung was a thinker, theoretician, politician and military strategist who preformed outstanding exploits for the Korean and world revolution, as well as for the times and mankind."

Wow. here I thought all he did was start a war and then beg China and Russia to save him when he screwed it up.

Number 8: The North Korean Mass Games. While this may sound like something that would be really cool to participate in, in honesty it takes the form of a large, and I do mean large, gymnastics show.

Yes, this is also the propaganda video for the event. The saddest part is that this event, is the highlight of the year for North Korea. How do you know this, for the simple fact that Americans are only allowed to visit North Korea during this time. When the nation is filled with back flipping, leotard wearing, nationalistic minions. Wait, the country is always filled with nationalistic minions. Anyone for the Iron Lotus?

For those of you that don't know that was a clip from the movie Blades of Glory. It's a comedy about Ice Skating. If you don't like Will Ferrel movies then I strongly suggest you don't watch this movie.

Number 7: Constant distortion of the truth. North Korea has this habit of constantly saying things that are completely and utterly untrue. Take for example their "satellite" launch. North Korea claims that their bird is currently in orbit broadcasting patriotic tunes and carrying the image of Kim Il Sung the eternal leader. Reality, the thing crashed into the Pacific. More importantly, if North Korea was going to launch a satellite, why in gods name would it broadcast patriotic tunes. 95% of North Koreans wouldn't be able to hear it anyways because they live in a country so backwards and repressed that the Taliban look like Nancy Pelosi compared to them. If they were going to launch a satellite it would be for military purposes and no other reason. How do I know this, because the country cannot even feed its people, the only thing that gets any money at all in North Korea, is the military.

Number 6: Screwing up my weekend plans. I was supposed to go paintballing this weekend, but no. North Korea had to go blow up a nuke and shut down the paintball fields on the American military bases. They were now needed for training as all the military in the region had been placed on high alert. Thanks North Korea, your stupidity and brinkmanship screwed up what promised to be a great weekend.

Number 5: Scaring my family and friends. The sad thing about this is, that I know how this is all getting reported back in the United States. They're talking about how the military is on high alert, how the peninsula is gearing up for war, and how the UN will once again fail to do anything of any significance to punish North Korea. The news in South Korea however had more to do with covering the funeral of the ex-President of South Korea who killed himself by jumping into a ravine near his home. He was under investigation on corruption charges and there was likely to be an indictment soon. His brother is currently in jail for corruption. Yes, what North Korea did is scary, but it's part of living here in this country. They take it in stride and continue to live their lives.

Number 4: Every time the fruit vendor drives by I wonder if it's the police telling everyone that North Korea finally attacked. Here in Seosan, and I'm rather certain across Korea fruit vendor drive by in trucks with their loudspeakers on. They are trying to entice people to come out and by their goods. However, when you don't speak the language and are used to the fact that only bad news comes across a loud speaker, it does get a bit disconcerting.

Number 3: The State Biography of Kim Jong Il. Honestly if you have ever spent any time reading this thing you cannot help but laugh. For starters the stated date and place of his birth are wrong. They claim that he as born in a super secret military encampment on the holiest mountain in Korea. What's really funny is that he was actually born in China where his father was fighting the Japanese. What is even more ridiculous is the fact that the biography reads like it was written by a 13 year old who is completely obsessed, and I mean Glenn Close obsessed.

Number 2: The idea that someone as crazy as Kim Jong Il actually has his finger on a button. I think that is the scariest part of living so close to North Korea. Knowing that someone who really is not that mentally stable has not only a 1.6 million man standing army, but also an entire arsenal of chemical, biological, and probably nuclear weapons. The other thing is, if push comes to shove on this peninsula, I'm scared he'll actually use them.

Number 1: It is utterly impossible to find any Daffy Duck merchandise on the peninsula. Kim Jong Il is one of the worlds largest collectors of Daffy Duck paraphernalia. I'm not even joking. It's scary to think that one of the most isolated and disturbing regimes in the world is run by a man who is so insane that he collects Daffy Duck merch and has run his country even further into the ground then his father.

I feel the need to state now that at no point does this post represent anything besides the personal feelings I have towards having North Korea as a neighbor.

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