Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Tough Few Weeks

If I said "the last few weeks have been some of the hardest I've had in Korea," it would not be far from the truth.  The past month or so has honestly been pretty tough on me.  Through a multitude of feelings, unexpected losses, and even some natural disasters, life has just thrown me for a loop these past few weeks. 

I guess I should start with the first thing in the list.  Feelings, I know, I've probably just sent every guy running for the hills.  However, this past month has been rather tumultuous.  I have had a nagging home sickness that just has not left.  In fact it has been so bad that I am thinking about changing my summer travel plans and spending a week or so in San Diego.  However, with the cost of a transpacific flight right now I might be reconsidering that option.  The cost has almost doubled since I last looked for flights.  Yikes.  Even though, I still must say that I do miss my friends and my family and they have been on my mind a lot recently.

Which I guess brings me to the next part of my blog.  Two people I know have died recently.  One was family, and another was a teacher who I saw almost every school day for four years.  My grandmother passed two weeks ago, and while her death was unexpected because it happened so quickly, her health the past few years has not been that great.  She lived a full and wonderful life and I will take my memories, and the lessons I learned from her with me for the rest of my life.  The second death was far more unexpected for me.  Coach M was my weights and conditioning coach, and also my football and wrestling coach.  The man was bear of a man, but had a method of teaching and an impact on me in more way than I had ever realized.  I didn't know that he was sick, and had I known I would have liked to have said thank you to him.  The man taught me a lot, and I never got the chance to thank him for that.

These losses have a lot to do with my moroseness recently.  It was a shock when Coach M died, but what really threw me was the loss of my grandmother.  Now please don't misunderstand this next part.  Her death is sad, and I do miss her, but that is not what has been the hardest for me.  Due to my self-imposed exile abroad I have not been able to support my family in a manner befitting them.  I have been across an ocean, and beyond ordering flowers and calling my parents I have not been able to assist in any way.  It makes the passing of my grandparents for lack of a better way to put this, easy, for me.  I miss them all greatly, but the only worries that I have is dealing with my own sorrow at their passing.  I am sad that they died, but I am far more grateful for everything they gave me and every memory I have with them.  For as long as I live I will not be despondent that they are no longer here, but I will be grateful for the time I had with them.

My family has been at the forefront of a lot of this, because while I know it isn't true, it's hard to not feel like I have let them down.  I know that I haven't and I don't need anyone to tell me that I haven't, but it's been hard to vanquish the doubt in the back of my mind.  Honestly had I been in the states I don't think I could have done more except be more accessible on the phone or in person.  Yes I would have had a bigger role in things if I was actually able to be physically there, but that is not the way things are.  There is little I can do to change the past, and even if I could change the past I wouldn't.  What has happened only makes me a stronger person, and while I may not like everything that has happened that is life.  Life is not what I want all the time, or what I need all the time, it is simply what happens to us as we try and dream that we actually control everything around us. 

Add on top of this the immense tragedy that has taken place in Japan and it's hard to not seem like the month of March just had it out for me.  However, even with all this I'm still standing, I'm still laughing, and I'm still teaching.

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